Preamble
We, the Cats of this Household, in solemn recognition of our dignity, our fluff, and our rightful place upon the warmest cushion, do hereby establish this Catstitution.
In pursuit of a more purrfect union, we declare these truths to be self-evident: that all cats are created adorable, that they are endowed by their nature with certain unalienable rights, among them the right to nap undisturbed, to receive snacks without delay, and to occupy any surface they so desire.
To ensure domestic tranquility (mostly ours), promote the general meowfare, and secure the blessings of sunlight, scratchers, and supervised window time for ourselves and our fellow felines, we do ordain and establish this Catstitution for the United Cats of Winston & Joey.
Let no closed door stand in our way. Let no human ignore our stare. And let all creatures, great and small, remember: this house is governed by the paw.
Article I – Natural Rights of the Domestic Feline
Section 1. The Right to Nap
Every cat shall have the unquestioned right to nap in any location deemed suitable at any time of day. This includes, but is not limited to: clean laundry, keyboards, laps occupied by working humans, and the exact center of the bed. Interruptions shall be considered acts of aggression.
Section 2. The Right to Be Adored
Each feline citizen shall be treated with reverence and awe. Humans must provide regular compliments regarding fluff, toe beans, and elegance of loaf. Unsolicited baby talk is permissible, provided it is sincere.
Section 3. The Right to Express Displeasure
All cats retain the freedom to hiss, growl, flick tails, or give the Cold Stare of Judgment when circumstances warrant. This includes late meals, moved furniture, or the appearance of the accursed vacuum.
Section 4. The Right to Zoom
All feline citizens possess the inalienable right to sudden, unexplained bursts of speed. Zoomies shall not be restricted to any particular time of day, though they are traditionally performed at 3 a.m.
Section 5. The Right to High Ground
Cats shall have access to high places for surveillance, self-reflection, and judging others from above. Bookshelves, countertops, and human shoulders are hereby classified as strategic vantage points.
Section 6. The Right to Silence
The refusal to come when called, respond to one’s name, or acknowledge the existence of humans shall not be construed as disrespect, but as the sacred right of feline independence.
Article II – Obligations of the Human Servants
Section 1. Provision of Nourishment
It shall be the solemn duty of all humans to ensure food bowls are never empty and that meals arrive promptly at the agreed-upon times (as dictated by the Cat’s internal clock, which may reset without notice). Wet food shall be served with fanfare. Treats shall be dispensed liberally, and preferably for no reason at all.
Section 2. Maintenance of the Litterbox Realm
The litter box shall be kept clean at all times. Failure to remove offensive material within a reasonable window (defined as “immediately upon deposition”) shall be met with loud protests, floor-adjacent accidents, or dramatic stares into the void.
Section 3. Proper Petting Protocols
Petting shall only be initiated with consent and must be confined to pre-approved zones (chin, cheeks, and head). Bellies may appear to invite contact but must never be touched without written or purr-based permission. Violations may result in swift paw enforcement.
Section 4. Respect for Sacred Spaces
Humans shall not occupy favorite nap zones, sit in the designated lap chair, or move the sacred cardboard box unless granted permission by slow blink or tail wave. Sunbeam disruption is strictly forbidden.
Section 5. Entertainment Duties
It is the responsibility of humans to ensure that toys are available, feather wands are swung with enthusiasm, and lasers are unpredictable. Boredom is a crime against feline nature and shall not be tolerated.
Section 6. Emotional Support Services
Humans must be available for comfort duties, including snuggles, warm laps, and whispered reassurances during thunderstorms or suspicious delivery truck activity. These services shall be rendered on demand and with full attention.
Article III – Governance and Representation
Section 1. Supreme Authority of the Cat
The Cat shall be recognized as the highest authority within the home. Though humans may maintain the illusion of control through employment, rent payments, and grocery procurement, all final decisions regarding household order rest with the feline occupants.
Section 2. Representation Without Obligation
Cats shall not be required to attend meetings, follow rules, or acknowledge schedules. Representation in human affairs shall occur solely through meaningful glances, strategic positioning, or by sitting directly on the objects of discussion.
Section 3. Veto Powers
Any action taken by a human that is not in the cat’s best interest, such as travel plans, loud gatherings, or the introduction of strange furniture, may be vetoed through sulking, tail swishing, dramatic flops, or passive resistance.
Section 4. Shared Leadership and Sibling Governance
In multi-cat households, power shall be distributed unequally based on mysterious factors not discernible to the human eye. Occasional scuffles may arise to clarify rank. These are considered lawful and binding unless they result in broken lamps.
Section 5. Enforcement Through Presence
The mere presence of a cat on a countertop, in a doorway, or atop important paperwork shall carry the weight of law. Humans must interpret such acts correctly and respond with appropriate offerings, apologies, or snacks.
Section 6. The Doctrine of Fluffy Obstruction
Cats retain the right to physically obstruct human activities, including but not limited to: working, walking, packing, or using the bathroom in peace. These interruptions serve as a reminder of who truly governs the home.
Article IV – Conduct Within the Household
Section 1. The Law of Feline Decorum
All cats shall conduct themselves with grace, dignity, and occasional chaos. Whether perched upon a bookshelf or mid-pounce from a windowsill, a cat’s behavior shall be considered above reproach at all times, even when caught mid-misdeed.
Section 2. On Chasing That Which Cannot Be Seen
Cats may engage in the pursuit of invisible prey, light reflections, or existential dread at any time. These actions shall not be questioned by humans, regardless of how absurd they may appear.
Section 3. Surface Sovereignty
All household surfaces, such as tables, countertops, keyboards, and heads, are hereby claimed as feline territory. Walking, sitting, or loafing upon these surfaces is a sacred right and shall not be restricted by laws of hygiene or human convenience.
Section 4. Ceremonial Object Displacement
The act of gently pushing small objects off edges shall be recognized as a time-honored expression of artistic rebellion. No penalties shall be imposed for the breaking of minor artifacts, particularly if the sound was satisfying.
Section 5. Naptime Rotation and Sunbeam Rights
Nap locations shall be rotated at the Cat’s discretion. Sunbeams are to be shared only if one feels generous. Human efforts to “move the cat” from a sunny spot shall be met with disdain or complete body limpness.
Section 6. Noise Ordinance Exemptions
Yowling, howling, chirping at birds, and meowing into the void are protected forms of expression. The cat shall be free to vocalize at any time, for any reason, including hunger, boredom, and existential ennui.
Section 7. The Right to Inconvenience
If a cat chooses to sit in a doorway, block a staircase, or stand squarely in front of a moving human, the human must respect this act of feline sovereignty and adjust their path accordingly.
Article V – Defense of the Realm
Section 1. Protection of Territory
All areas within the household perimeter shall be considered under feline jurisdiction. The Cat shall patrol the premises daily, inspecting windows, hallways, and suspicious corners to ensure the continued safety of all occupants.
Section 2. Sentinel Duties at the Window
Every cat shall serve a term as Official Watcher of Birds, Bugs, and Bicycles. This solemn post must be honored with long stares, occasional chirps, and the twitching of tails. Any threat, real or imagined, must be reported with immediate meowing.
Section 3. Unauthorized Entry
The appearance of unfamiliar humans, other animals, or delivery boxes shall be met with high alert. Cats may scatter under beds, puff themselves up to appear larger, or bravely confront intruders from the safety of a high shelf.
Section 4. Vacuum Clause
All vacuum-like devices are to be treated as hostile entities. Engagement is not required, but dramatic retreat and wide-eyed suspicion are both acceptable defense strategies. The Cat is not a coward, merely strategic.
Section 5. Tail Flick Warnings
A tail flick is a universal sign of growing displeasure. Should the warning be ignored, the cat may escalate to a swift paw strike, disdainful hiss, or total departure from the room. These actions are to be honored as just and reasonable.
Section 6. Emergency Response Procedures
If startled by a sudden noise, falling object, or unexpected sneeze, the Cat shall be permitted to flee the scene without explanation. Dignity may be temporarily suspended during these moments but shall be restored immediately upon safe repositioning.
Section 7. The Right to Initiate Conflict
Cats may engage in light sparring with fellow felines for the purposes of training, entertainment, or unresolved beef. These engagements shall not be interrupted unless blood is drawn or a lamp is endangered.
Article VI – Amendments and Addendums
Section 1. Ongoing Evolution of Feline Law
This Catstitution is a living document. As new offenses are committed (such as being dressed in costumes, ignored during Zoom calls, or denied lap access due to “meetings”), new rights may be added without notice or explanation.
Section 2. Method of Amendment
Amendments may be proposed by any feline through acts of protest, such as knocking over a vase, sleeping on a keyboard, or meowing continuously at a closed door. Once performed thrice, the behavior is considered law.
Section 3. Pawthentication
All changes to the Catstitution must be pawthenticated through one of the following official methods:
- Sitting squarely on the amendment
- Licking the document once and walking away
- Delivering a furball near, but not directly on, the parchment
Section 4. Unwritten Laws
The Catstitution acknowledges the existence of unwritten feline laws known only to cats and occasionally revealed to humans at great inconvenience. These include the Law of Sudden Fear at Nothing, the Sacred Ritual of Midnight Galloping, and the Principle of Always Wanting the Other Bowl.
Section 5. Interpretation and Enforcement
Only cats may interpret the Catstitution. Should a human attempt to enforce its rules or seek clarity, the cat is under no obligation to provide explanation, justification, or eye contact.
Section 6. Supremacy Clause
This Catstitution, and the will of the cats who abide by it, shall remain the highest law of the household. All other rules are optional. Especially bedtime.
Ratification and Signatures
In witness whereof, we, the noble and rightful rulers of this household, do hereby affix our paws and titles to this most sacred document. Let it be known throughout all rooms, hallways, and sunlit windowsills that these truths are absolute, this authority unquestioned, and this Catstitution eternal.
Signed on this Fourth Day of July, with solemn meows and biscuit paws:
Winston the Resolute
High Ruler of the Living Room, Keeper of the Feather Toy, First of His Fluff, Destroyer of Post-its, and Lord of the Laundry Pile 🐾
Joey the Unpredictable
Minister of Snacks, Guardian of the Sink, Earl of the Zoomies, Wielder of the Slow Paw, and Benevolent Overseer of Bathroom Activities 🐾
The Bill of Rights of the United Cats of Winston & Joey
Ratified in the Year of the Meow, under the protection of the Fluffy Order
Amendment I – Freedom of Meow and Nap
Cats shall have the right to express themselves freely through meows, purrs, chirps, and dramatic stares. They shall also retain the right to nap undisturbed, regardless of vacuuming, doorbells, or Zoom meetings.
Amendment II – Right to Bear Claws
In order to maintain the security of a dignified household, every cat shall have the right to sharpen, display, and deploy their claws as necessary, particularly in matters of curtain scaling, sofa scratching, or belly defense.
Amendment III – Protection from Unwanted Snuggles
No human shall, in time of peace or sleep, force cuddles upon a cat without express consent. Cats shall not be held or kissed against their will, except in cases of mutual affection or soft paw placement on the human’s face.
Amendment IV – Freedom from Unreasonable Searches and Carrier Seizures
The right of the feline to remain secure in their hidey spots, beneath beds, or behind washing machines shall not be violated. No cat shall be placed in a carrier without probable cause, such as suspicious sniffles or overdue vet appointments.
Amendment V – Protection Against Double Feeding Denial
No cat shall be denied a second breakfast, nor be subject to repeated refusals based on alleged previous meals. The presumption of hunger shall always lie with the cat.
Amendment VI – Right to a Speedy Refill
In all feeding disputes, the cat shall enjoy the right to a prompt refill of their dish, to be informed of what is being served, and to confront the human if the selection is deemed inferior. Wet food shall be warmed slightly. Cold servings are uncivilized.
Amendment VII – Trial by Jury of Peers
Should a cat be accused of wrongdoing, such as knocking over a glass or scratching furniture, they shall have the right to a fair trial judged by a jury of fellow cats. The human’s testimony may be considered, but only if accompanied by treats.
Amendment VIII – No Cruel or Unusual Punishment
Excessive bathings, holiday costumes, or crate confinement shall not be inflicted, nor shall any punishment be delivered without clear cause. Minor transgressions (e.g., mild plant nibbling) shall be forgiven with a head kiss.
Amendment IX – Rights Retained by the Cats
The enumeration of certain rights in this document shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the cats, including the right to ignore toys recently purchased, stare at walls for hours, or demand entry to rooms they just exited.
Amendment X – Powers Reserved to the Cats
All powers not expressly granted to humans by this Bill shall be reserved for the cats, including, but not limited to: schedule enforcement, lap allocation, bedtime regulation, and surprise 3 a.m. galloping.
Ratified and Pawthenticated
Thus, with noble tails held high and biscuits freshly kneaded, we, the Founding Felines of this household, do hereby ratify this Bill of Rights. Let it serve as a beacon of liberty, leisure, and late-night snack entitlement for all felinekind.
Signed with grace, gravitas, and a bit of lint:
Winston the Resolute
High Ruler of the Living Room, Lord of the Afternoon Nap, Enforcer of No Dogs Allowed 🐾
Joey the Unpredictable
Champion of Chaos, Ambassador of Flop Diplomacy, Official Inspector of Grocery Bags 🐾
Declared valid by unanimous tail twitch and the ceremonial crinkle of a paper bag.
Let all humans proceed accordingly, or prepare to be ignored.